When Purple Monkeys Attack: Eragon Style!
by Kiheada.Ray.T
Summary: The Third edition to my Randomly Delicious series. This time I'm transported to the Eragon universe and cause all sorts of massive mayhem and destruction! This is a random crack fic, plz drink responsibly...
1. Chapter 1: LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR!

**When Purple Monkeys Attack: Eragon-Style!**

**Chapter 1: LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR!**

**Disclaimer:**** I don't own Eragon and Co., but any OCs are mine, me included. Any songs that may be mentioned I also do not own unless I say I do. My insanity is my own. With that said, let us begin.**

* * *

**My POV**

So, I'm sitting here at my computer reading some Eragon fanfics, my current obsession, when all of a sudden…NOOOOO!! NOT THE SWIRLEY BLACK HOLE OF DOOM AGAIN!!! THIS IS THE THIRD TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED!!!!

I'm swirling around in a black hole that came from my evil computer, when I start to notice something…

"Dragons, Dwarves, and Elves OH MY!" I scream and then fall down on top of…Galby??? WHY GALBY!!!??? WHY!!?? DARN YOU SWIRLY BLACK HOLE OF DOOM! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!!!

So, I'm shaking my fist and yelling stuff at the fading Swirly Black Hole of DOOM while Galby is trying to figure out what the heck just happened and why a teenager with anger issues is sitting on him.

"What the!? Murtagh! Get this thing off me!" he yelled and Murtagh came in. I gasp and my jaw breaks off and hits the floor and my eyes pop out.

They just stare at me for a second until my features return and I twitch.

"Potato?" I ask. Murtagh sighs and asks, "Did you screw up another experiment?"

Galby threw me off him and crossed his arms. "NO! This…thing…landed on top of me! Out of nowhere!" Galby explained.

I was wandering around the circular room and had a huge grin on my face. "Hey Galby!" I called. "What!? And why are you calling me Galby? My name is Galbatorix! FEAR ME!! MUWAHAHA!" he said and then started choking.

"Galby is short for Galbatorix! Now GO STAND IN A CORNER! YOU'VE BEEN A BAD BOY! IN THE CORNER! NOW!" I yell and he cringes and runs around the room trying to find a corner as I laugh evilly and Murtagh is shaking his head and whispering "Why?"

"THERE ARE NO CORNERS!!!" Galby screams. "Then I guess you'll have to be spanked. Hey Tag, hand me that long pointy thing, yes, Ooooo, it has lots of long pointy things!!! GIMME!" I say and he hands me a long whip with tons of small whips with rocks and sharp objects.

Galby stares at me in horror as I grin evilly and beckon him towards me.

"No!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!" he screams like a girl and tries to run away from me. "GET YOUR BUTT BACK HERE MISTER!!!!" I say and grab him by the collar.

Murtagh is standing there wondering whether he should leave or watch the show while I throw Galby against the wall and chains come out of the wall and hold him there.

"WAHAHA!! THIS IS FOR TORTURING MY MURTAGH!!!" I yell and then swing the Whip of DOOM and it hits him and he screams like a girl. Murtagh smiles and watches as I keep whipping the hated king…

_99 bottles of beer on the wall later…_

"OKAY OKAY THAT'S ENOUGH!!!!" Murtagh yells and drags me away as I laugh evilly and Galbatorix (or what's left of him) lays there twitching.

Murtagh drags me out of the castle and stops in the woods.

"Now, how did you get here? Who are you? And what is going on??" he asks me. I stare at him for a moment.

"Hello!? Anyone in there?" he asks and waves a hand in front of my face.

"Oh, sorry, I was thinking about how hot you are and how lucky Eragon is." I say and grin. He gives me an odd look.

"Uhhh, whatever. Now answer my questions!" he demands.

"Okay, okay. Well, the Swirly Black Hole of DOOM transported me here randomly like it always does; my name is Yermommaisahoe, and what is going on?" I ask and try not to laugh.

He stares at me oddly for a moment.

"There's a vampire mosquito behind you." I say and he looks around and I run away from him laughing and screaming wildly.

"Darn it! GET BACK HERE!" he yells at me and chases me. Then I run into Thorn. My eyes go wide.

"Ooooo, pretty!!!" I say and hug Thorn's leg. The red dragon is trying to decide whether he should eat me or throw me somewhere when Murtagh comes panting up.

"There…you…are." He says and puts his hands on his knees and holds up a finger.

"Wow, you're getting out of shape there Tag." I comment and he growls at me. I growl back.

"I like your dragon. My second favorite color is red. Red like blood. I like blood. It tastes like a penny." I say and smile.

Thorn tries to shake me off but I cling on tightly.

_What should we do? Is she crazy? _He asks Murtagh. Murtagh shrugs and pulls me off. Then I cling to him.

"You're so huggable!!!" I say. "Eragon is one lucky farmer boy, that's for sure." I add and wiggle my eyebrows at him.

"What on earth are you talking about, and how do you know Eragon?" he asks and tries to get me off.

"Uhhh, internet?" I say like Timmy Turner from the Fairly Odd Parents.

"What's internet?" he asks. "Uhhh, I'm a magical person sent to bring peace to Alagaesia!" I say again.

Him and Thorn exchange glances.

"Right, I'll believe that when Urgals fly." Murtagh snorted. Just then, an Urgal was sent flying through the sky.

"Hey look, a flying Urgal!" I say and point at it. Murtagh twitches and says, "That doesn't count!"

"'Ello Gov'na! Mr. Chiddlechunks is here! You know Taggie, you should really work on your anger issues." A "dark-skinned" girl says and comes out of the bushes.

"Dee-Dee! You made it! Yay!" I say and we hug. Murtagh and Thorn are backing away slowly…

"Hey! Get back here!" we say and chase after them. But Murtagh mounts Thorn and they fly away.

"Darn it! I wanted a piece of that mancandy!" Dee-Dee says. "I know, thupid monkey!" I say and shake my fist in the air.

"So, what are we gonna do now? I see you've already taken care of Galby." Dee-Dee says. "Yes, it was fun; you should have been there…" I say and look into the sky.

"Ooooo, pretty colors!" I say and point at a red and black splotch in the sky. We watch as it comes closer and we see that it's…it's…………………dots! Ahem, I mean….. A DRAGON! WOOT WOOT!

"Holy popsicles! It's a red and black dragon!" I say and clap my hands. The dragon lands beside us and looks at us, then comes up to me and touches my right hand and I GET A SWIRLY THING!!!! YAY!!!!!

_I have chosen you as my Rider. My brother will come shortly for your friend. _He says and I hug his nose.

"Yay! I get a dragon! Oh yeahyeah!! Okay! Uh-huh!" I say. "Uh, you can stop now." Dee-Dee says and I nod.

"Hmmm, what am I going to name you?" I ask and look at my wonderfully delicious red and black dragon. (The colors are kinda mixed together; splotchy-like.)

"Ooooo! What about Splotchy!?" I say and he growls at me. "Okay, not Splotchy. Hmmmm." I say and start to think.

"Hey look! It's a rainbow dragon!!" Dee-Dee says and points to a rainbow-like creature coming towards us.

It lands in front of her and also gives her a swirl-mark on her hand. "Yay! I get a dragon too! I'll name you Gyro!" she says and pats him on the head.

"Hmm, Thorn is already taken, Midnight Blood is too long, you don't like Splotchy…how about…BLAED!? It means Blood Rain in the ancient language!" I say and my dragon nods approvingly.

Now, I don't really know what Blaed means, so don't sue me, I made it up. I OWN!

"Let's go find Eragon!" I say to Dee-Dee and she nods. So we mount our noble steeds…er, I mean dragons…and fly away! With tacos of course.

* * *

"WEEEE! THIS IS SO FUN!" I yell and put my hands in the air. "PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR AND MOVE 'EM LIKE YA JUST DON'T CARE!" I say and Dee-Dee does the same while our dragons are trying to keep us on them.

"Hey look! A pretty castle!" I say and point at the castle in Surda where the Varden have taken refuge.

"Hey, what are those small things coming at us? They look kinda like….ARROWS! AHHHH! THEY'RE SHOOTING AT US MS. POTATO-HEAD!!!" Dee-Dee screams and so do I and we're screaming in the air while our dragons are trying to avoid the arrows.

_Try to take them out with your magic! _Blaed tells me. _Okey-dokey! _I say and yell, "BRISINGR!" and they all catch on fire.

"Wahaha! That's my favorite word!" I say and grin widely. Yes, I'm a pyromaniac, FEAR THE FIRE!

_Good job. _Blaed says and I smile even wider.

"Dude, you look like a freaky clown!" Dee-Dee says while laughing. I slowly rotate my head to face her. "FEAR THE CLOWN!" I say in a demonic voice and she screams and falls sideways.

I point and laugh as she tries to scramble back onto the saddle of her dragon.

"THEY'RE STILL SHOOTING AT US! Hey look a fire ball! Fire…" I say and stare at its awesome beauty….until it hits me in the head.

"AHHHH!! IT BLURNS!!!!" I say and try to get it off my face. "Ahhh, it blurns so goooood!" I say and take a deep breath.

_They think we're the enemy. _Blaed tells me. _Well, we might be, who says we're going to join the Varden? We're gonna try to rule Alagaesia ourselves! WAHAHA! _I say and laugh evilly.

Blaed turns to look at me and then shrugs. _So should I burn them alive and eat them or what? _He asks.

_Let's play it cool for a while. You can burn and eat the Empire. _I say and then nod to Dee-Dee who finally made it back into the saddle.

Then she takes a white flag out of her pocket and waves it in the air like she just doesn't care!!!! Ahem…

"They're surrendering! Yay! More allies!" someone in the Varden shouted. Another person threw a potato at him and then…Eragon finally comes out! Took him long enough, the pansy…

"Hey look! It's Eragon!" I say and point at him. He looks all stern and serious as Saphira flies up to us.

"Who are you and why are you here. And where did you get your dragons? There's only one more egg left in Alagaesia." He says.

"That's what you think." I snigger. "Why 'ello there, would you like some tea and crumpets?" Dee-Dee asks. He looks at us oddly and then asks again.

"I said, who are you and why are you here?"

"My name is Yermommaisahoe and I came from the Swirly Black hole of DOOM. And this is my wonderfully delicious dragon, Blaed." I say and smile as Blaed winks at Saphira.

He raises his eyebrow and then looks to Dee-Dee. "My name is Dee-Dee and I came from the land of sugarplum faeries and strawberry ice!" she replies. "This is my dragon Gyro! He's a rainbow dragon, TASTE THE RAINBOW! SKITTLES!" she says and starts eating some skittles.

"Hey I want some!" I say and she throws some red ones at me and I catch them in my mouth. GO ME!

Eragon is probably wondering if we're a bunch of loony-toons because he keeps glancing at us weirdly and then looking at Saphira.

"So Eragon, guess what?" I say and he looks at me. "How do you know my name?" he asks. "Not important, but I'VE COME TO EAT YOUR SOUL!" I say demonically and then start laughing as he tries not to scream like a girl.

"Oh wow! That is just, wow! Wow!" Dee-Dee says like Mickey Mouse. I turn to glare at her. "Ah!" she says again in the same voice as I throw a rubber chicken at her head.

Classic.

"BIRDS!" I screech randomly. "MONKEY BUTT!" Dee-Dee screeches as well and we do a lil dance.

"Uh, okay then, please come with me…" Eragon says hesitantly and we follow him to the Castle.

"I la pie! SAY IT! I LA PIE! OR I LA SHOOT!" Dee-Dee says and points a squirt gun at everyone.

"You better say it, that thing's loaded man!" I say like a druggie. They are all shaking in terror and so squeak out, "I-I LA PIE!"

"Yay! You get ten points and a gold star!" I say and throw golden stars that are actually knives at them and some of their heads gets chopped off.

Eragon's jaw drops and he looks at me. "Why did you just do that!? TRAITOR!" he screams and points his finger at me.

"TREE KILLER!" I scream back and also point my finger at him.

"MURDERER!" he yells.

"MUD SLINGER!" I yell back.

"CRAZY LADY!" he screams.

"COO-COO HEAD!" I scream back.

"RETARD!" he yells.

"PANSEY!" I reply.

"STUPID-HEAD!" he says childishly.

"COCKSUCKER!" I yell and everyone gasps, even him although he's blushing like crazy and I'm laughing my butt off.

"ACCUSER!" he replies lamely.

"ASS-LICKER!" I screech and everyone starts laughing as he blushes more. Murtagh is watching us and he shrugs and grins.

"LIAR!" he screams.

"POTATO!" I scream back. He is silent for a moment, and then says the word in a different way.

"PATATO!"

"PRAISE THE LORD!" I say and throw my hands in the air.

"ALLELUIA!" Dee-Dee screams and then we bow. Everyone is clapping even though they don't know why.

Eragon is scratching his head and Saphira is shaking hers and trying not to throw Eragon off for his stupidity.

Just then Nasuada comes out looking like something crawled up her ass and died.

"What the –bleep- is going on here!?" she yells and sees us.

"THE BURGER KING IS BEING OVERRUN BY THE SQUIRRELS! EVERYBODY RUN FOR YOU LIFE!" I scream randomly. The soldiers are looking at me weirdly but I insist.

"RUN MAN! RUN!" I say and they all run away.

Dee-Dee is laughing and pointing at random soldiers while our dragons are smoking weed.

"Hey man! That's my secret stash! Gimme back my weed man!" Dee-Dee says and takes the weed from the dragons.

_I am so high, I can hear heaven! _My dragon starts to sing. "I LOVE THAT SONG!" I yell and we start signing.

"I am so high! I can hear heaven! Oh but heaven, no heaven don't hear me! And they say that a hero can save us! I'm not gonna stand here and wait! I'll hold on to the wings of the eagles. Watch as we all fly away!" I sing and everyone takes out a lighter and waves it in the air.

Eragon uses his thumb as a lighter and is waving it in the air while smoking some weed that Dee-Dee gave him. Nasuada and Arya are shaking their heads and went back inside.

"Someone told me that love would all save us! But how can that be? Look what love gave us! A world full of killing, and blood-spilling, that world never came! And they say that a hero can save us, I'm not gonna stand here and wait! I'll hold on to the wings of the eagles. Watch as we all fly away!" I say and then Blaed and Gyro lift into the air.

"Now that the world isn't ending, it's love that I'm sending to you." I sing and point at Eragon. "It isn't the love of a hero, that's why I fear it won't do!" Dee-Dee sings and we fly away.

"And they're watching us (Watching us)! They're watching us (watching us) as we all fly away! And they're watching us (watching us)! They're watching us (watching us) as we all fly away! And they're watching us (watching us)! They're watching us (watching us) as we all fly away. Oh yeah!" we sing as they watch us and then…disappear!!!

* * *

"Pinocchio, why is your nose so long?" I ask the little wooden boy. "Uhhh, because I'm lying." He says. "Hey! You said the truth! Yay for you!" I say and slap him on the back.

Off in the distance you hear a loud scream.

"I GOT SPLINTERS IN MY HAND!!!!!"

"Ha, ha, ha! Silly boxer." Dee-Dee says and waves her hand.

"It's not that funny, Dee-Dee, besides, the flaming mingoes want their weaves back." I say and some flamingoes are standing there with their hands on their hips glaring at Dee-Dee.

"Uhhh, don't you mean flamingoes?" she asks me as she hands over the weaves. "That's what I said, flaming mingoes." I say. We have a staring contest then and I win because I have no eyelids!

Just kidding, I can just keep my eyes open for a longer amount of time than her!

"GO EVIL CHEERLEADERS! OH YEAH!" The cheerleading trophy from The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy says and then I melt it with my uber-cool flamethrower.

"GO FIRE!" I scream and Blaed opens his maw and fire shoots out.

* * *

**-Author's Note: Soo, was that randomly delicious or what!? Press the little button to the left and tell me what you think or the Blaed-man will burn you alive and eat you! Yay threatening fire! Oh yeah! And also remember to…SUK IT!-**


	2. Chapter 2: I WON'T WASTE MYSELF ON YOU!

**Chapter 2: I WON'T WASTE MYSELF ON YOU!!!!**

**Disclaimer:**** I own Me, Dee-Dee, Blaed, Gyro, and any other OC-ish characters or things in this fic. Also my insanity is my own. Murtagh owns Eragon.**

**Eragon: HEY! NO HE DOESN'T!**

**Murtagh: Shut up hoe.**

**Eragon: Okay.**

* * *

"Skipping through a field of pretty daisies!" I sing as I skip through a field of pretty daisies. "This seems familiar, oh yeah! I did this in my Yu Yu Hakusho fic! Yay repetition! Wow, I never thought I'd say that…" I muse.

"Hey Yermommaisahoe, wanna terrorize Galby and the Empire?" Dee-Dee asks as she walks up to me with a peacock on a fuzzy pink pimp leash.

"Suk it!" the peacock says.

"Yeah, what he said." I reply and then hop on Blaed while she hops on Gyro and we fly away!!!! YAY FLYING! Potato…

* * *

"Hey look, there's an army from the Empire! Okay Blaed, do your stuff!" I say and Blaed grins and opens his mouth to torch the army below.

"Make the rainbow Gyro!!!" Dee-Dee says and rainbow fire comes out of Gyro's mouth. "More skittles!" she says as skittles bombard the soldiers like heavy rocks.

"AHHHH!!! WHAT'S GOING ON!? WHAT THE FREAK ARE THOSE THINGS!?" the soldiers scream.

"Your worst nightmare!!! FEAR THE UNPREDICTABLE LEMONS!!" I scream and set them on fire.

"Hahaha, the smoke is colorful! Now let's eat their ashes and consume their souls!!!" Dee-Dee says evilly and we both stop to look at her. "What?" she asks.

"Let's do that later, okay? PANIC!AT THE DISCO!" I scream as the band comes on and sings their song: Build God, Then We'll Talk.

"What a wonderful caricature of intimacy!" we sing as the soldiers beneath us scream in pain.

_I'm having so much fun, we should do this often. _Blaed tells me. _If we do it too much there won't be any more people left! _I tell him.

_Oh yeah, I knew that. _He says.

"THERE ARE NO RAINDROPS ON ROSES AND GIRLS IN WHITE DRESSES IT'S SLEEPING WITH ROACHES AND TAKING BEST GUESSES ON THE SPOTS ON THE SHEETS AND A FEW MORE OF YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THINGS!" we sing as loud as we can and the rest of the soldiers drop dead.

"Yay we won!" I say. "But what did we win?" Dee-Dee asks. "Uh, a duck, some Roman coins, a magical time portal, a cell-phone, some chips, a demonic worm the size of a nickel, and a Barbary pirate." I say, throwing the items at her.

She uniquely finds a way to hold all the items and then puts them in her pocket for later. Gyro and Blaed are making different colored smoke rings.

"Now, where's Murtaghy-Tag? I know I saw him somewhere around here…" I say and start looking for the hunksicle.

"Uh, Houston, we have a problem." Dee-Dee says and points to the ground. "What are those things? Giant rats?" I ask. "No, they're Urgals, duh! Although I don't think these ones can fly." Dee-Dee told me.

"Oh, hello Giant Rats! I see you!!!" I call down to them while Dee-Dee smacks her head. They look up at us and then….SPROUT BUG-LIKE WINGS!!! OH NO!!!!!! THEY REALLY CAN FLY!!!!! FLY AWAY FLY AWAY!!!!

We're screaming as our dragons are flapping their ginormous wings and flying as fast as they could; our cheeks are flapping backwards and my tongue flies out.

""At eel uh." I say. "Huh?" Dee-Dee asks. I put my tongue back in my mouth. "I said that feels good! You should try it!" I tell her. The wind is whipping our hair as our dragons fly faster.

I look behind us to see that the Urgals are far behind and have no chance of catching up to us soon so we tell our dragons to slow down.

We land in a forest near Surda and hear some…strange noises coming from a clearing nearby. Our dragons wander off, inspecting other strange noises, while we tip-toe to some bushes and peer out.

The scene is of Eragon and Murtagh…banging. (For those of you who've read "Take My Pain Away" this is the scene in the first chappy when Murtagh and Eragon go at it…like I said, this is a random crack fic. Beware the crack because it can kill…)

"Ohmibob! Look! It's Eragon and Murtagh _banging! _The dirty liar…" I whisper to Dee-Dee. "No really? I thought it was Bullwinkle humping a Dr. Pepper!" Dee-Dee whispers back sarcastically.

"Ya know, it does really look like that…" I say and we giggle quietly.

"Hey, I heard something, did you hear something?" Eragon asks, poking his head up and looking around suspiciously.

"No, there's no one here Eragon." Murtagh says and pushes him back down. He sets a trail of kisses down his neck, making the younger groan.

"This is too sexy for mine eyes! Thou art displaying dirty acts against thy God!" I whisper. "Will thou stop talking in that nature? Oh no! Thy tongue has maketh thee speak as such!" Dee-Dee replies and places a hand over her mouth.

"Where art thou dragons?" I ask and look around. "I don't know, but this is reminding me of 8th grade. Remember when we would role-play in our notebooks?" Dee-Dee asks.

"Yeah, those were the good ole days." I say and sigh.

"Okay I swear I just heard someone sigh!" Eragon said and looked around again. Murtagh growled and then we were forced to cover our eyes…

"Ack! My eyes, my eyes, zay bleed zay bleed!" I say as ketchup runs out of my eyes, literally, the small droplets streak across my face and onto the ground screeching like tiny little…things…

"Hey look, the sun is going down!" Dee-Dee says and points to the sunset. "Ah, but the sun doth shineth upon me." I say.

"Huh?" Dee-Dee asks. "What?" I ask her. "What did you say?" she asks me again. "Who?" I ask. "What?" she asks. "Where?" I ask and turn around. "Over there!" she says and points back to Eragon and Murtagh. "Why?" I ask again.

"Because I said so!" she replies. "Why?" I ask again. "Because I said so!" she replies with her hands on her hips. A pause………….

"Why?"

…………………………………………dots!!!!!...potato, patato it's the same thing!!!!...Of course the sharks have been fed!!...why would the ninjas demand a recount??...I hate bananas…….Oh and Mondays…….Tuesdays are feeding days, yummy…….Domo Arigoto Mr. Roboto!!!...BUT WHY IS THE RUM GONE!?!?!?!?...Oh……that's why…………….sigh………I'm bored………………

"Hey they're gone!" I say after a couple of hours. "But they're not supposed to be gone yet!!!!" Kiheada.Ray.T screams and runs out of the bushes.

"Hey look it's me!" I say and wave to myself who is screaming and chasing Eragon and Murtagh who are also screaming and running away.

"YOU'RE NOT FOLLOWING THE SCRIPT!!!!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO FOLLOW THE FREAKING SCRIPT!!!!!!! DON'T MAKE ME KILL YOU IN AN INSIGNIFICANT AND SHAMEFUL WAY!!!!! I HAVE THE POWER!!!!!!" I scream and run after them while I watch. (Oh yeah, I love confusing people)

"But seriously, why's the rum gone?" I ask.

* * *

"We must stop them!" Nasuada yells and pounds her fist on the table and it falls down and goes BOOM!

"I'll fix it!" someone says and takes out a hammer, a chainsaw, some donkeys, a gift card, and a Popsicle.

"Anyways! Those…creatures could destroy us all! No matter how crazy or psychotic they may seem to be, they're still killers!" she shouted.

Just then a messenger came running and handed her a piece of paper before running out. He had on a chicken costume. With a red rubber headpiece. Making it a Rooster costume. Yeah.

Nasuada read the piece of paper while the man worked on the table and the Texas Chainsaw Massacre dude is waiting to get his chainsaw back.

"What does it say?" Arya asks her. "It says that they destroyed an entire Empire army that was coming to attack us!" Nasuada gasped.

"Really? Hey where's Eragon, he should be here by now." Arya said and narrowed her eyes, well, with the slanted eyebrows it already looks like her eyes are narrowed, but still, you get the point…

"Dun-da-dum! Here I am to save the day!" Eragon comes in while wearing a Hero costume (it's white with blue underwear on the outside instead of the inside and there's an E on his chest and a red cape is flowing behind him even though there is no wind and he has elf stockings and his hands are on his hips…..)

"What the-," Arya began but was cut off by the chainsaw.

"Eragon…what happened to you? Did you fall down again? I told you if you fell again you'd go crazy!" Nasuada said sounding like an over-protective mother.

"Uh, Oromis made it for me; he thought it would make me look cooler." Eragon said.

In his hut Oromis is cracking up while smoking a pipe of Mary Jane while Glaedr is chugging more kegs of that drink all the dragons like...

"All done!" the man said and gave the Texas Chainsaw Massacre dude his chainsaw back, he and Eragon saluted before the guy (I don't know his name oh well he rocks my socks) starts laughing crazily while turning on the chainsaw and running out of the castle to terrorize the people of Alagaesia like he terrorized the people of the United States.

(Takes deep breath) that was a long sentence…..

* * *

"Hey look the Texas Chainsaw Massacre dude! Wazzup buddy!? Having fun!? See ya later then!" I call.

"We should steal his chainsaw…" Dee-Dee said and we grinned at each other and looked at the guy who was slashing through some people.

"Oh Texas Chainsaw Massacre dude!!!" I call after him again and we chase him down and take his chainsaw before laughing crazily and running toward the castle. He stamps his foot and crosses his arm, tapping his foot and waiting for us to give him back his chainsaw so he could go on killing people he didn't even know because he felt like it.

WAHAHA THAT ONE WAS LONGER!!! BEAT THAT! HOT WHEELS! Results may vary, keep away from small children, may cause drossiness, nausea, heart attack, migraines, and bloating. Please see a doctor before trying this product and drink responsibly…

"Did you know that Avril Lavigne got fired from a fast food restaurant?" I ask Dee-Dee. "No." she replies. "Neither did I." I say and then we burst through the room to see everyone staring at Eragon like he was insane.

"Hey, how'd you get here when I was chasing you and Murtagh for not following the script?" I ask him.

"Uh, I flew." He replied and everyone does an anime-face drop even though this has nothing to do with anime….

"Wait, you were chasing Murtagh for not following the script?" Nasuada asked. "Yeah, they were banging in the forest but then after a couple of hours they were gone when they should have spent the night and then come back in the morning." I told her and she faints.

Arya nudges her with her foot and then shrugs. "Soooooo……" she says in a bored voice.

"One basket full of sexual truffles, meat pies with blood as the filling, and elephant charades please." Dee-Dee asks the Mexican man.

"Uhhh, me no speak English." He replies.

"You just did, NOW HAND THEM OVER!!!" she yells and he hands them over and then runs into Carlos Mencia.

"Hey look, it's the guy who talks smack about everyone but himself! How you doin?" I say like Joey from Friends.

"Hey, you ever wonder why white people and black people never get along even though they're best friends?" he asks and me and Dee-Dee glare at him because I'm white and she's black and we always get along…ALWAYS!!!!!!!

"I mean, uh, DEE-DEE-DEE!" he screams and runs away. We grin. "Good work Pablo." I say. "No problem Joseph, so Mary, what are going to do now Tommy?" she asks.

"Well Roderick, let's take Eragon and find Murtagh, John, then we can pan for Gold in California, Benjamin." I say.

"Okay Lacy, we'll do that George, and then we can rescue the dolphins, Rachel!" she says and we drag Eragon away despite his protests and Arya shrugs and follows us.

Blaed and Gyro are snickering outside, literally eating Snickers bars (Man, where do they get all those snickers????) when we get out there and we ask, "What's up our home dragons? Shizzle my Nizzle frizzle."

_Dude, where's my car? _Gyro asks. "Oh, I parked it in the back." Dee-Dee tells him. _Oh okay, thanks. _He says.

_We saw Saphira and Thorn getting it on! It was hilarious! We were trying not to laugh but then we saw Eragon and Murtagh prancing nougat in the meadow singing songs of satisfaction to the world! _Blaed told me and I started laughing.

"What?" Dee-Dee asks. "He said pud, and then ding!" I say and start laughing with Cosmo from the Fairly Odd Parents.

"Oh, Hahaha, that is quite funny my good man. But seriously Charlie, what's up?" Dee-Dee asks and then Gyro says: _We saw Saphira and Thorn getting it on! It was hilarious! We were trying not to laugh but then we saw Eragon and Murtagh prancing nougat in the meadow singing songs of satisfaction to the world! _and Dee-Dee started laughing.

"Who dat?" Eragon asks and looks at us stupidly. Arya rolls her eyes and socks him in the head (Seriously, she grabs some socks and hits him in the head with them!).

"Hey butter where's the milk? Did my pinkie print yet? I was hoping to be done by Sunday to watch the Lacrosse game on the new Starbucks Coffee." He says as birdies flap around his head.

"BIRDS! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE! IT'S LIKE THEY'RE STALKING ME!" I scream.

"Then why is the tomato still in my lawn!? My pumpkins need to dry you smoky bear! The pineapples need to be shredded for dinner by two o' clock in the morning on the eve of your first murder victim's surprise birthday party on the third degree of manslaughter with the statements of the peacock and officer supervising the eggs as they hatched!" Dee-Dee yells at me.

Arya raises an eyebrow. "I wish I had slanted eyebrows that would be cool, I could look like I'm angry all day and then people wouldn't bother me because I'd look angry!" I say.

"Oh there you are. I was wondering if you made it back or not." Murtagh says as he struts his sexy self up and looks down at Eragon who has swirly eyes with his tongue hanging out and drool making a pool around him.

"Guess not." Murtagh muttered and started dragging him away.

"Hey! That's my jailbait!" I yell after him (It's an inside joke, hehehe).

"No, he's MY Jailbait! And I can take him where I want!" Murtagh yells back and we run after him. He stuffs him in a ditch and dusts off his hands. "There, now no one will know where he is." He said.

"But the rabbits and squirrels will know, they always know, because they know everything, because they're trying to take over the world!" Dee-Dee says.

"And the penguins, don't forget the penguins! They'd be mad if you forgot them, remember the ALAMO!" I say.

"Yes, yes, and the peacocks, they're the most important!" Dee-Dee replies. Murtagh starts baking away slowly but we chain him to the high-voltage fence and watch as he twitches while his hair stands up.

"Hehehe, he looks funny." I say and point at him. "And then there were none." Dee-Dee says and we high-five.

"Okay let's go find some bait for the monkeys." She says and we hop on our dragons and fly away leaving Arya to shake her head and wonder why she was the only sane person in this whole fic…

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**-Author's Note: Enough craziness for now, we shall continue to haunt your dreams and eat your souls some other time! Remember to review and tell me what you think or else I'ma come at you like a spider monkey!-**


	3. Chapter 3: Saluting The Mushrooms!

**Chapter 3: Saluting the Mushrooms!**

**Disclaimer:**** 'SHROOMS!!!!**

**Eragon: NOBODY OWNS ME!!!**

**Shinn: THAT'S MY LINE!!!**

**Chris Paolini: I OWN ERAGON BECAUSE HE'S ME SO HA!!!**

**Me: I LOVE YOU!!! (Starts chasing Chris)**

**Shinn: Uhhhh…..wazzup???**

**Eragon: Yo…..**

**Dee-Dee: ON WITH THE FIC!!!!!!!!**

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"WHAT IF GOD WAS ONE OF US!?" I sing as we're flying with our dragons. "JESUS!!" Dee-Dee shouts back. "ALLELUIA!" I scream. "MONSTER IN YOUR CLOSET!" she responds. "Awww man ya ruined it!" I tell her.

Then we hear a girly scream that I recognize…I look around and then see a teenage boy with black hair and red eyes streaking across the valley we're currently flying over being chased by Urgals…

I gasp about twenty times before Dee-Dee hits me in the head with a fish. "Looky, looky, I got Hooky!" I exclaim and point at the figure running and screaming from the Urgals.

_Should we rescue him? _Blaed asks me. _Yes, or else DOOM will be upon us all! _I reply and he swoops down next to the frightened ish.

"Grab onto my hand!" I yell at him and stick my skinny arm out toward him. He grabs it and I swing him up on Blaed and he clutches my waist tightly.

'_Oooooo, me likey…' _I think and grin.

"Took ya long enough! I finally got the stupid Swirly Black Hole of DOOM to work and it made me land in the middle of a gigantic circle full of those…ugly things! They took one look at me and my sexiness and decided they wanted to hit that so I took off running and screaming not knowing where the heck I was or where you were or if you were even hear or not!" he yelled at me.

"But you do that everyday. Shouldn't you be used to it by now?" I asked him.

He glared at me and stuck his tongue out. "So! You're just jealous because I'm sexier than you!" he says and grins evilly.

I growl and then Blaed flips over and the boy behind me shrieks and squeezes my insanely skinny waist tighter. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" he screams like a girl.

"WAHAHA!!!" I laugh evilly when Blaed flips back over.

The boy hits me and we finally manage to catch up to Dee-Dee who is making Gyro rain down more skittles upon the unfortunate Urgals.

"Hey who's that sexy ish behind you? Can I tickle his-," she begins but I interrupt.

"Dee-Dee this is Shinn Asuka from Gundam Seed Destiny and my mind! Shinn this is Dee-Dee and her dragon Gyro." I say.

"Hiya!!!" he says and waves enthusiastically.

"Oh and the dragon you're on now is Blaed, respect da Blaed and you'll live!" I add. Blaed snorts and a puff of smoke comes out of his nostrils.

"Oooooo, cool!!!" Shinn exclaims happily.

"Burritos! So how'd you manage to get the Swirly Black Hole of DOOM to work?" I ask Shinn.

"Not gonna tell!!! I'm not tellin'!" he chants and sticks his tongue out again. "Ya know, you really shouldn't stick your tongue out unless you're gonna use it." I tell him.

He grins evilly again and then licks my neck and face. "EWWWW!!! I HAVE AIDS NOW!!!!!" I scream and thrash about.

Dee-Dee laughs at me and then starts throwing things at me because she's evil like that.

"STOP IT YOU CRAZY MONKEY!!" I scream at her and then somehow we're (meaning me, Shinn, and Blaed) are spiraling downward, smoke coming out of Blaed's butt, dude is he farting?

"AHHHH!!!!" we all scream as I try to keep Blaed from crashing, but we end up breaking about twenty trees or so before landing roughly in a clearing.

Shinn and I are thrown forward and I hit my noggin on a tree and slide down, falling backwards onto the grass. Shinn somehow, the little brat, lands on top of me and I cry out with "Oof!"

"WAHAHA! Nice job boys! Now we can have fun with the black-head and roast the brown-head!" I hear a rough voice say.

"But what about the dragon?" another gruff voice asks. "Take it to Galby or somethin', I dunno! Jest git the fire started!" the first one bellows.

I can see colorful dots…ooo….dots!!! Wait, I must focus…DANGER! DANGER! ...WARNING! DANGER! DANGER! ...DANGER! DANGER! "OKAY I GET IT JEEZ!" I yell at Shinn who's yelling in my ear and hanging onto my arm as two Urgals try to pull him up.

"NOOOOOO!!! HELP!!!" he squeaks. I feel two big, rough hands start to pull me…

"HEL-LO!" I exclaim and then I'm the center of a tug-o-war match; Shinn's pulling on my arm while two Urgals are pulling him, and another Urgal is pulling at my other arm.

"No! Back off my home dawg shizzle with the dunk and the shittle!!!" I hear Dee-Dee cry out as she grabs onto one of my legs and pulls.

I hear Blaed roar as a bunch of Urgals surround him and throw ropes over him to try to tie him down, as well as Shinn squeaking and screaming and Urgals shouting and….AHHHHH TOO MUCH GOING ON!!!! Brain cannot function…too much commotion…OVERLOAD! OVERLOAD! BRAIN MALFUNCTION! OVERLOAD! OVERLOAD! The inside of my head screams in a robotic voice.

All I see is a black swirl…oh no! It's the Swirly Black Hole of DOOM!!! I barely got to create chaos! I don't wanna go back just yet! Wait, the colors are changing, now I see red, "SEEING RED AGAIN!" the Chevelle brothers scream as they float by. "Hiya!" I say and wave to them.

"I vant to suck your blooood!" Count Chocula says and tries to laugh evilly as he too floats by. "Uhhhh, your cereal tastes good…" I tell him.

Then I see stars, "Cool! I'm in Outer Space! Wait…that's not a star!!!! AHHHHH!!!" I scream as a meteor comes towards me at a lightning fast speed.

"NIKI WAKE UP NOW OR I'LL HAVE TO SHOVE MY FINGER UP YOUR-," Shinn screams but I sit upwards quickly and he falls backward rubbing his jaw.

"I'M AWAKE!!" I screech and then laugh at him. "That's what you get for climbing on top of me and screaming threats while I'm unconscious!" I tell him.

He sticks his tongue out at me and I roll my eyes, "How many times must I tell you NOT TO STICK THAT THING OUT UNLESS YOU'RE GOING TO USE IT! PUT IT AWAY! I SAID PUT THAT THING AWAY NOW MISTER! ONE! TWO! THREE!" I scream and then tackle him.

He squeaks and wiggles out of my grasp to latch onto Murtagh…wait, where'd he come from?

"Hey where'd you come from?" I ask him. "I saved you from the Evil Urgals of DOOM. Dee-Dee is mad at me because I took all the glory." He replied.

"Oh, where's Eragon?" I ask again and look around. "Trying to cheer her up and also trying not to kill Shinn because he's jealous." He replied again and I start laughing.

"He's jealous 'cause I'm sezzier than him!" Shinn says, his arms still around Murtagh's neck.

"Yes well…hey look a well! Let's drop some coins in and see if it's magically delicious!!!" I say and run over to the well that suddenly appeared out of nowhere.

"My well! Mine!" Dee-Dee yells and pushes me out of the way. "Oh magically delicious well, please grant my wish of butterscotch tomatoes and sugarplum men to do the sexy dance while wearing choo-choo trains and-," she begins her wish but I knock her over.

"No! Grant my wish of-," I begin but Eragon surprisingly shoves me aside and bellows: "MAKE MURTAGH MINE!" and Murtagh starts glowing red and then is lifted into the air and Shinn gasps and takes a few steps back as Murtagh floats to Eragon and an intricate E is printed on his right wrist.

"Wow 'Agon, I never knew you had it in you. Nice. I'm still the dominant one though." Tag declares while Eragon dances with glee.

"Ha! I win!" Eragon shouts and points a finger at Shinn, sticking his tongue out.

"Why must everyone take their tongues out of their mouths to flash us all the time!?" I screech.

"I didn't get my wish! Stupid non-magically delicious well! DIE!" Dee-Dee screams and starts kicking the well.

"Well, this isn't at all strange and paranormal." Arya shows up and says sarcastically.

"Arya!...yeah I got nothin'…." I say and scratch my head.

Dee-Dee stops kicking the well to look at the elf princess who looks unconcerned and slightly bored.

Eragon stops bragging and angering Shinn-chan to stare in wonder like a small child (cough cough), Shinn stops being angry for a moment to also stare in wonder, and Murtagh crosses his arms and looks on expectantly.

"Guess what?" Dee-Dee finally says. "What?" Arya asks in a bored tone.

"MONKEYBUTT!" Dee-Dee screams and throws a monkey butt-backwards right at Arya's face. The monkey and its butt hit her squarely in the face and she stands there looking disgusted for a moment and all of us hold our breaths…

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" she starts laughing and everyone lets out their breath…except for me…oooo I can turn colors!!!!! I'M A CHAMELEON!!!!

"Breathe darn it breathe!" Shinn shouts while shaking my purple-faced self. I finally let out my breath and then take in a big gulp of air.

"Ahhhh, that feels better." I say with a sigh.

"Dude, is Arya-kun still laughing? She's even rolling on the floor! Who knew a monkey butt to the face could cause an elf to go insane with laughter? Note to self: Throw monkeys butt-backwards at elves…." I say and write on my hand the message with a pen I pulled out of-

"Uh guys…the Urgals are waking up…" Shinn tells us, and he is right…

"RUN AWAY RUN AWAY!!! BLAED WHERE ARE YOU MY PUMPERNICKEL CAMEL FULL OF PINK FLOYD'S WALL!?" I scream while running around in circles.

_I'm right behind you, you dunce. _My red and black dragon says, and I look, and behold, an angel of the Lord will appear to you and give you the news of a babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger….sorry, it's Christmas-time, ya know….

"Crazy…..he is crazy!" Shinn and Eragon sing in high-pitch girly voices (it's from that one weird song form Pink Floyd….The Trial or something.) while swaying back and forth. Too bad I stole all their lighters and enabled Eragon to use fire….hehehe

"ANYWAYS! Are we going to run from the Urgals or just sit here and act like googly boogly teeny weeny fiddly-floos?" I ask.

"Running sounds good, Jack, why don't we do that, Bob, oh and Shirley, do you mind grabbing Arya, Lucas?" Dee-Dee says.

"Right Allen, I'll grab Arya, Chad, and then I shall hop upon my dragon, Chelsea, and fly away to wherever I feel like, Nick." I reply, grab the still-laughing hysterically elf, hop on Blaed, and then he starts to fly away….backwards….

"You've been drinking that alcohol for dragons, haven't you?" I ask him.

_What? It's gooo-ooo-ooo-oooddd. (Burps) _he says.

"Hey Janet, why is your dragon flying backwards, Shari? Isn't it supposed to fly the other way, Michelle?" Dee-Dee says.

"He drank too much of the alcohol for dragons, Joseph, but I think he'll be alright, Aaron, besides, this is kinda fun, Jose." I reply. Then we both gasp and grin at each other.

"Jose can you seeee!?" we start to sing the Star-Spangled Banner while Arya finally stops laughing on the back of my dragon while Eragon is on Saphira somehow while Murtagh is on Thorn and Shinn is riding with Dee-Dee on Gyro.

"My potato! Not your potato!" I then start to sing after I get bored with the other song.

"Oh yes it is my potato! I own it! See the contract!?" Dee-Dee yells at me.

"Nooo! MY POTATO!!!!" I scream and throw another monkey at her.

"Blast you table-tennis! Your days are numbered 311! I SHALL HAVE MY VENGEANCE!!! VENGEANCE SHALL BE MINE!" Dee-Dee shouts as she is brought down by the monkey (the same one she threw at Arya, hehehe)

"I know a drugstore cowgirl, so afraid of being bored!" I sing again and point at Shinn.

"I AM NOT A DRUGSTORE COWGIRL I'M A SEXIFUL ISH!" he yells as he, Dee-Dee, and Gyro are falling from the sky. Ha! At least it isn't me and Blaed!

_I swear, why must you insist on hanging out with this ridiculous people Eragon? They're going to mess you up even more! _Saphira was screaming at Eragon.

"WEEEE! This is fun!" the young rider exclaimed as he threw rocks at Murtagh.

"Hahahahaha! Can't catch me!!" he teased while again sticking his tongue out while he managed to get Saphira to dodge Thorn's fire balls.

"Quit it Eragon! Stop being so childish! Eragon! ERAGON SHADESLAYER GARROWSSON MORZANSSON! QUIT THIS CHILDISHNESS RIGHT NOW YOUNG MAN!" Murtagh screams like a mother and 'Agon stops throwing rocks and his eyes go insanely huge while his mouth goes insanely small.

"Mommy?" he whimpers. Murtagh sweat-drops.

"Please don't walk away and PLEASE TELL ME YOU'LL STAY! STAY!" I sing again for no apparent reason except because I like that part of the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus song.

"I will never let you fall! I'll stand up with you forever!" I continue while holding onto Shinn with Dee-Dee clutching his waist and Gyro holding onto her leg with his teeth while they're only inches from the ground.

Eragon and Murtagh land, jump off their dragons, and then proceed to make out, so of course not only does my jaw drop open but I let go of my friends and they scream.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Dude, you were only inches from the ground, like, chill." Arya tells them and hops off Blaed.

"Oh, my bad." Shinn says because he did most of the screaming…because he's a screamer…

"So what do we do now nickel-fo-fickel-fee-fi-flo-flickel?" Dee-Dee asks me.

"We can watch 'Agon and Tag bang again." I say, doing just that.

"Niki…" she says in That Tone. "Otay, otay! Let's go…hey look it's Galby! Didn't I kill him in the first chappy?" I ask and point at the Evil King who is also watching 'Agon and Tag bang…..disgusting little Morzan-humper porn addict!

"You did not kill me, girl! I can not be killed! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" he yells. Then Blaed steps on him, lifts his foot, and then wipes it off on a tree.

"So much for that. Now let's continue to terrorize Alagaesia, we can even try to get Nasuada to join, and all the other fruitcakes! Lez do dis thing!" I said with my finger in the air and we all yell and charge in no particular direction.

Poor Alagaesia…it never stood a chance…

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**-Author's Notes: Yeah I'm about done. Hopefully you guys liked it; please tell me what you think! Now back to your regular show: How To Beat An Egg With Underwear On Its Head And Funky Disco 80s Music Playing In The Background Of The Trailer Park Window In The Winter Of 1985!-**


	4. 4:Unholy Confessions in the City of Evil

**Chapter 4: Unholy Confessions in the City of Evil**

**Disclaimer:**** The title is actually the title of an Avenged Sevenfold song as well as an album name. I LOVE YOU GUYS!**

**Eragon: Ahem…**

**Me: Oh yes, right, I only own the OCs and all the craziness.**

**WARNING:**** Brisingr spoilers so BEWARE! They could be lurking anywhere *shifty eyes***

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"La-de-da-de-da!" I sing as we fly towards…somewhere.

"We're off to kill the Wizard, the uglyful wizard of Oz!" Dee-Dee joins me in singing next.

"So, Hancock, what are we doing now, Charles?" she asks.

"I dunno, Clarice, let's go terrorize the Varden again Bob, and then we can scare all the elves and dwarves out of their hiding holes, Sally." I reply and our dragons turn in the right direction towards Surda.

"How come you call each other different names all the time?" Shinn asks.

"Because, John, we are very random, Cole, and we like to have fun, Walter, and frankly, my dear Sharon, we don't give a damn on whether someone cares, Hailey." Dee-Dee answers.

"Oh, alright then, Chelsea, I can do that too, Rachel, it's actually quite fun, Jack, although quite frustrating, Phil, when you're searching for a name not already used, Joe." Shinn replies.

She was about to say more when I felt the need to shout: "Look at all the tiny black dots below us! I feel so tall! I wonder if they're the Varden."

"They look like it, let's go say Hi." Dee-Dee says and our dragons spiral downwards towards the mass of peoples below calling themselves the Rebel Fighters of Alagaesia; the Varden.

"Heyllo there you hoopty-scoopty-fiddledy-doop…thingermajingers!" I call and wave ecstatically.

"PREPARE FOR THE WRATH OF THOSE HATH SCORNED BY THEE!" Dee-Dee shrieks and starts throwing stuff at the crowds.

We hear screaming and everyone starts to run around since not only are there two new Dragon Riders but they were the crazy females they had heard about and were currently throwing things at them.

"This is fun! We should do this more often!" I say.

"My tummy feels funny!" Shinn yells and turns green while Blaed is doing cool aerial tricks…in the air.

"DON'T YOU DARE THROW UP ON MY DRAGON OR THIS SADDLE, IT'S BRAND-NEW!" I yell demonically and he meeps.

"Attack! Shoot them down!" we hear a female voice shout out across the chaos and mayhem.

"Hey look, it's Nasuada." I say and point to the dark-skinned warrior Princess.

Xena!

"Hey, wazzup?" she says.

"Nuthin' much, just terrorizing some people, you know, same old, same old." I tell her.

"Cool, well, I gotta get back to my show now and rape the God of War-I mean- kill some bad people. Laters!" she says and rides away into the sunset…

Dee-Dee leans close and whispers, "Who dat be?"

"My favorite character from an old show I used to watch." I tell her.

"Oh, well, Nasuada is getting the Varden to throw things back at us, so you can stop reminiscing about fairies in wonderland at the time of death due to the hippocampus in the right earlobe of the monkey-brain going through labor because we have cheese." She replies.

"Alright, I'll do just that, Captain Underpants of the sued nobility during the revolution of the underworld in the time of dying right between the eyes while staring down the barrel of a forty-five and swimming through the ashes of another life, no real reason to….oh my bad." I reply and start singing the song. What? It's catchy…

"Hail Lady Nasuada! Do not hail at thee mighty swords and stones, for thy countenance shall benefit greatly from our presence…because I killed Galby! Oh and she did some stuff too." I say and point at Dee-Dee who glares at me.

Nasuada gives me a strange look and Blaed walks up to her and lowers his head so one huge reddish-black eye is staring at her.

_These kids are crazy but if you value your insanity you should join them…then again, I could always have you and your army for lunch. _He tells her. Oh yeah, my dragon totally rocks your socks!

_Yes, and the fluffy bunnies went to Rome, did you know that Charlie is a dear friend of mine? He visits me in the closet from time to time, you know, and he really likes to write the scores! Oh we have a lovely time, we do, my friend. _Gyro adds with a British accent.

She makes a strange face and then shrugs. "I've been serious enough, it's time to have fun and party baby! WOOT! WHO'S UP FOR GOING CRAZY!" she shouts and tears off her dress and starts running around while the men cheer and rip their armor off and run around naky…

"Mine eyes, mine eyes, they bleed, they bleed!" I scream, covering my ketchup-bleeding eyes with my hands.

"Ooo, who is _that_?" Shinn asks with hearts in his eyes as he beholds Roran (I seem to have slipped into the Brisingr universe so pardon any spoilers!).

The cousin of Eragon stands atop a hill, the sun behind his back and his battle-axe in his hands, his long hair flowing in the wind as he looks like a hunk from the cover of a romance novel.

"Me likey…" Shinn says and begins to drool.

"I call dibs!" I shout as we head towards the oblivious hero.

"You already called dibs on Murtagh! RORAN IS MINE!" Dee-Dee roars demonically.

"….That's true. Oh well." I say and sigh, pouting over the fact that I have no claim on Roran now.

"Hello! What about me!" Shinn shrieks and waves signs around in the air like he just don't care.

"You have Eragon on Tuesdays because that's when Murtagh works the poles and the Urgals on Fridays since Galby is done with them." I say while looking at a planner.

"But I don't want the Urgals…" Shinn whines.

"Then you can have Galby and his army on Mondays and Wednesdays." I reply, scribbling in the planner. Shinn looks over my shoulder to see random doodles and phrases, with no actual planned events listed.

"You're just making this up aren't you?" he asks.

A record scratches and all goes silent as everyone in the entire world of Alagaesia look at Shinn like he's stupid.

I blink at him.

Cricket, cricket. Cricket, cricket. DAMN YOU CRICKET YOU ALWAYS SHOW UP IN ALL MY MONKEY STORIES WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! DIE CRICKET DIE! I scream and chase the cricket around with a BanHammer.

"Anyways…I'll have fun torturing-I mean- playing with Galby." Shinn says and grins wickedly.

Somewhere in a forsaken place filled with death and screaming, Galby looks up towards the heavens and cries like a baby. "NOT AGAIN! WHY? WHY!"

"Hehehehehe." Shinn chuckles evilly.

Just then Dee-Dee bonks him over the head with Roran behind her on Gyro as they fly off to the land of sunshine and butterflies after having been wed while forgetting about Katrina in the hold of the Ra'zak because they're going to have their honeymoon on the Battle of the Burning Planes since they asked for a spa and Jacuzzi for their wedding but instead got apples and tater tots by all the people of Alagaesia while the elves just danced around for a few months even though it's only been five minutes and the dwarves ran around the reception kicking people in the shins as usual and Eragon was drunk and Murtagh had to carry him around the whole time and finally dragged him into a closet and oh did I mention this all happened in five minutes?

"Twice, but who's counting?" Shinn says and gets bonked again by Murtagh who drags him into the closet with Eragon.

The door shuts and I'm standing there for a moment staring at the door before I begin to poke it.

Poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, spork, spork, banana, harpoon, whales, birds, lions, tigers, and bears OH MY!

"Ow! I got a splinter!"

"PORN!" Orrick yells with a cup of faelnirv as he stumbles around.

"Damnit! I told you not to drink that stuff again! Come here you deranged dwarf!" Arya yells and chases after him while Orrick's wife sits there filing her nails.

Woot Family Struggles reference!

"Speaking of, I still need to slowly and painfully torture you until you beg for death and mercy while in my mercifulness unlike Galby's ruthlessness I shall grant you that mercy and kill you where you shall be sent to Hell with Galby to rot for eternity times infinity times one hundred!" Eragon yells and creeps towards me.

"Uh oh." I say squeakily.

"RAWR!" Eragon roars and launches himself towards me.

"RUN AWAY RUN AWAY!" I scream and run around in a circle. Eragon follows me trying to grab me as he continue running around in a circle for a few minutes.

Roran and Dee-Dee come back and watch until Roran tries to pick a fight with Murtagh over Eragon even though Dee-Dee already called dibs on him.

"He's mine!" Roran yells and pushes Murtagh.

"No mine!" Murtagh yells back and grapples with him.

I stop running and tie Eragon up quickly with chains to a tree and then get a hose and water ground around the two boys and then spray them as well as they continue to wrassle in the mud and proceed to take off each other's clothing until…

I shield Eragon's eyes and Dee-Dee escorts all the children away while Shinn looks on with wide eyes and sits there and Eragon keeps whining that he's an adult so young Gohan pops in and turns pale at the scene before him.

"I need an adult?"

"I AM AN ADULT!" I yell and kick him in the gut. "That was from Vegeta…kbai!" I say and fly away.

"Wait…when did I learn to fly?" I ask and then start falling and screaming.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Roran and Murtagh are still…doing whatever they were doing…and Eragon is trying to get out of the chains that bind him while Dee-Dee begins devouring the souls of the children she was leading away from the scene of the crime and Gohan lays crying while Arya is still chasing Orrick.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Shinn is now also in the mud-wrestling-naked-ownage-fight except I think he just wanted to roll around with two hot naked dudes while they're fighting and I'm still falling from the sky although I didn't think I was that high in the first place and-

"Oh come on you were two feet in the air! You've been hanging like that for five minutes screaming your head off!" Dee-Dee yells at me and then slams me to the ground.

"Ow." I groan.

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**-Author's Note: Th-Th-Th-Th-That's all folks! At least for now. If you state correctly how many times I say five minutes in this fic I'll give you a prize! Please review and tell me what you think, comments, questions, ideas, etc. are welcome. But if you say this is stupid and makes no sense I will only say "Well duh it's not supposed to" so it would be a dead end. Now back to you show: Legends fighting in the underworld with badcocks and mashed potatoes with Sunny D and Rye, Pumpernickle, breakfast food by a man named Jingle with some GLEE!-**


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